Humerus is Not Just a Bone
by OneSmartCookie
Summary: A collection of quotes used in the everyday lives of the trio and Draco Malfoy...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything familiar to the Harry Potter Universe….

**Summary: **A challenge fic. Based on **imdeadsothere**'s Funny Quotes Challenge… My first ever! Please R&R… Various characters and scenes used…

Hermione Granger was sitting in the hospital wing, cradling her broken wrist in her lap as she watched her two best friends, Ronald Weasley and Harry Potter, bicker with Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini, Slytherin Prats numbers 1 and 2. Why they couldn't just calmly explain to her what had happened after she was struck in the head and fell down the stairs, blacked out and broke her wrist, was a mystery to her.

"I can't believe you're blaming me, Weasley-" that was Malfoy. He couldn't believe Weasley had the nerve to blame him, Draco Malfoy, for something that had happened to his lame girlfriend due to his own clumsiness. Stupid wanker.

"Stupid Zabini, if you would've just left Hermione alone-" and that was Harry. Always the heroic Harry, he had his wand out and looked on the verge of dueling Zabini, who had a very calm and relaxed look on his face, one that probably wouldn't be there for much longer if Harry could help it.

"-swear to Merlin, Potter, get that wand away from my-" that was Zabini, and you don't even want to know where Harry was pointing his wand.

"SHUT UP!" Hermione finally yelled, tired of their arguments. She wanted an answer, and she wanted it now. If the only way she was going to get that answer was by putting her foot down, then so be it. They all looked at her shocked before Harry started mumbling something about Bloody Malfoy and stairs. "I'm trying to listen to you, Harry, so you're going to need to speak louder."

Harry then moved closer to Hermione before beginning to explain what happened, only loud enough for her to hear. "When we came around the corner by the Library after lunch, we saw Zabini sneaking around the other corner towards you with his wand out. We yelled for him to stop, and when he tried to throw a curse at you, we ran forward to protect you from him. As soon as we started to fight him, Malfoy came around the corner and saw what was happening before joining in." He looked nervous that Hermione was going to yell at them for fighting, but only nodded for him to continue.

"Anyway, when I tried to stand up, I tripped Malfoy, who then punched Ron in the stomach instead of in the face, and he fell into Zabini, who then kicked me in the shin so I was hobbling around like a pirate until Ron managed to stand and grab my other arm, where Malfoy decided to play red rover, and when we let go because we saw he was coming, he went flying into you and knocked you down the stairs, where you hit your head and blacked out, and when we ran to get you from the bottom, Zabini pushed Ron and he stepped on your wrist, breaking it. So then, we started fighting again, until Madame Hooch found us in the corridor and brought us all to the Hospital Wing, where Madame Pomphrey healed us and issued all five of us detention." After he finished, Harry backed up to where the other boys were standing, because he knew she was about to be very angry.

"Excuse me Harry, but I'm not sure I heard you correctly. Did you say all _five_ of us have detention? Because that's what it sounded like you said, and you boys better hope that's not what you said." She stated absolutely livid.

An hour later, a smirking Hermione was seen leaving the Hospital Wing, her wrist no longer broken. As the doors closed behind her, one could hear the girlish screams of four boys as they looked at their reflections and saw that they now all looked closely related to Eloise Midgen.

**Quote #1: Shut up! I'm trying to listen to you.**

**A/N:** So this is the first thing I've written in almost a year, and for that I apologize. My other story kind of died when I went back to school for my senior year, and now that I've graduated (Which was yesterday :) ) I now have more time to write. I have started the third chapter of my other story and hope to get it up soon, along with the first chapter of a new story I've begun.

Also, if anyone knows how to make a claim in a forum for the challenges, please help me because I don't… :( (Which means that I have not yet claimed I am responding to the challenge, but will as soon as I get the info on how to).

And, as always, please R&R, because feedback and criticism is always appreciated. :)

And finally... I know that the title Humerus is the bone and not the humorous as in funny... that was the point...


	2. The Stalker

Disclaimer: I own nothing familiar to the Harry Potter universe…

"Class dismissed," said the Transfiguration's Professor, retiring to her office as the students made their way out of the classroom after packing away their supplies.

Harry Potter slowly followed the melee of students making their way out of the classroom, glad to be finished with classes until after the weekend. He had a Quidditch game coming up Sunday, and the team needed a full days worth of practice if they wanted to be in tip-top shape. It was one thing to play the Slytherins, but if Malfoy was going to be every bit as cruel on the pitch as he had been off it this term, they might actually have to worry for once about securing a victory over the snakes.

"Hey Harry," Ron Weasley greeted as Harry entered the Gryffindor common room through the portrait hole. Harry nodded and ran up the stairs to the boy's dormitory, returning ten minutes later dressed in his Quidditch uniform and broom in hand.

"C'mon Ron, I'll help you work on your catching tonight before the team practice tomorrow," Harry told his best friend. It was a miracle that Ron had been able to make it onto the team, but it would be an even bigger one if he managed to make a few saves in the game on Sunday.

"Sure Harry, lemme go get my stuff," Ron replied and ran off to the dormitory.

As he was making his way up, he passed Hermione Granger, the know-it-all of Gryffindor house, and his biggest crush since third year. He didn't understand it really, why she wouldn't date him. Sure, she was said to be dating Draco Malfoy of all people, but he's a pure-blood and she's a muggle-born. It just wouldn't work out. As she looked up at him on her way by, he smiled at her, which she returned with a smirk. Malfoy's smirk to be exact. Or maybe he was just paranoid.

Later that evening, Harry was throwing quaffles as fast and as hard as he could at the goal posts, trying to find Ron's weakness, so he could help him work on it on Sunday. Yet, though the boy was not good at paying, he managed to save every one Harry had thrown at him so far. He would use body blocks, catch them in his hands, hit them with his broom, and once he had even dangled from his broom by one hand and kicked the ball to the other end of the pitch.

Because of this progress, Harry decided that he better stop so as not to waste any of Ron's luck. Flying over to where his Keeper was flying around, he noticed something odd. Ron was muttering under his breath, and kept shooting fearful looks at the pitch below them. _Was Ron afraid of falling?_ Harry wondered as he got nearer.

"You alright there, Ron?" He asked as he came to a stop in front of his friend. Ron was sweating so much his uniform was soaked, and his eyes were practically bugging out of his head.

"Yeah, sure, fine Harry, why?" Ron asked without breathing or pausing between words, making Harry look skeptically at him.

"Oh nothing, you just seem a little paranoid is all," Harry replied, watching his friend glance all around the pitch, as though waiting for someone to fly out and attack them.

"Ok, so maybe I'm a little on edge Harry. It might just be the pressure, ya know?" Ron said, glancing to the left as he said the last part. _Lie_.

"_Or_," Harry started, watching as Ron looked back at him, knowing that Harry wasn't buying his lies, "It could be something else you're not telling me. Is it Hermione? Did she say something to you in the common room?" He asked, now kind of excited at the prospect. If Ron and Hermione started dating, then maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal if he and Ginny dated.

"No, its not Hermione," Ron said sadly, before looking at Harry again. "I have something serious I want to tell you Harry, ok? You can't tell anyone." He said, looking around like a maniac again.

"Sure Ron, no problem," Harry answered, wondering what was bugging his friend so much.

"Ok, well, I think I may have a stalker," Ron said, once again looking at the pitch as though it was going to eat him alive.

"A stalker Ron? Are you sure? Do you even know who it is?" Harry asked, suppressing his laughter because he could see how much this was bothering his friend.

"Yes I'm sure Harry, and of course I know who it is. I thought it might have been pretty obvious to you, but I guess I was wrong." He seemed almost upset that Harry hadn't noticed his stalker, so Harry started thinking. It wasn't anyone in Gryffindor, unless maybe Lavender Brown. _But I thought she was dating Cormac now?_

"Then who is it Ron?" Harry asked, genuinely upset he couldn't figure it out himself.

"The ground Harry! The ground is stalking me!" He said this was so much much passion Harry found he couldn't laugh at his friend even if he wanted to. _Honestly, the ground?! _"Don't you see Harry? It's everywhere! I can't get away from it, no matter how hard I try. The whole time we have been out here, it has been mocking me, knowing that eventually I have to go back down there." Ron was near tears by now, and Harry finally had had enough.

"The ground Ron? Blimey, and here I thought there might actually be a brain in that head of yours. The ground is NOT stalking you, Ron. It's everywhere, because it's the ground. Why is this such a problem all of the sudden, anyway?" Harry asked, and once Ron started telling him how Malfoy had cornered him in the Library earlier that day and told him the ground was stalking him and would eat him if he said anything to anyone, he just rolled his eyes and flew back towards the castle, laughing the whole time at his friends stupidity.

**Quote #2: The ground is stalking me! It's everywhere!**

A/N: So this is my first ever non-dramione piece, though there is mention of them together because i couldn't resist. Also, I hate Ron Weasley, and that is why he is portrayed to be stupid, and I'm not going to be using him a lot. With that said, please R&R!! :D


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